Beginner's Guide to Wine, Part 2: Lessons Learned

1.  A wine you buy for five dollars will taste like a five-dollar wine.  If this wisdom comes tragically late, tonight might be a good night to make spaghetti sauce.

2.  Those little chewy brown bits were not present before you opened the bottle.  Reconsider your method for removing corks.

3.  Refrain from swirling the wine while simultaneously inserting your nose inside the glass and inhaling deeply.

4.  If you are holding out a glass of wine in anticipation of a refill, make use of verbal and nonverbal communication to indicate that your glass is stable and in position for the pour.  Alternatively, invest in burgundy and black clothing.

5.  Due to the structure of a wine glass, a full glass of wine is top heavy.  Keep this in mind when making a last minute decision to move a coffee or end table already supporting a glass or two.  Plan your path carefully as you navigate your hand across the dinner table for another piece of bread.

Beginner's Guide to Wine, Part 1: Wine Tasting

You like wine.  You've been drinking it for a while now.  Maybe it's time to enjoy wine at the next level, to really analyze what you're experiencing and savor the moment.  So how does one proceed?

Step One:  Take note of the color of your wine, an indicator of quality and age.  Sometimes people like to tilt their glasses as they examine the color as well as the legs of the wine.

Step Two:  Smell the wine.  Swirling the wine helps release aromas.  Extreme caution is recommended at this juncture, particularly in close-quarters wine tastings.  Somewhere out there, there is a woman who has no idea how close she came to disaster as my boyfriend overzealously sloshed his ruby red wine mere inches from the back of her snow white sweater.

Step Three:  You're allowed to drink it now.  I like to hold the wine in my mouth for a few moments before swallowing to really investigate what I'm tasting.  Experiment with opening you mouth slightly to allow oxygen in--you may find notice more flavors.  Avoid experimenting with this technique at dinner parties or amidst those clad in white sweaters.

Step Four:  Make a few notes about your experience.  I keep a little black wine journal, which is useful for trying to remember the name of a wine, or in figuring out who to pick up that night.  Common descriptors for wine tastes range from floral or fruity to petrol or cat's pee on a mulberry bush (no, I didn't just make that up).

Step Five, the Most Important Step:  Remember to exercise your wine palette often.

Redwood Creek Pinot Noir: A discount wine

The aromas begin simple, fruity, and unremarkable.  Then, after vigorous swirling, they open.  Wafts of sumptuous plum and the promise of spice tantalize my senses.

Maybe this won't be so terrible.

The first sip.  It tastes unfamiliar at first.  Something I can't identify immediately--something new.  I allow the wine to caress my tongue, arousing all my taste buds as I investigate the flavors.  What could that be?

I swallow, finding myself setting my face into a grimace that I haven't summoned since childhood during a bad case of streptococcus.

Oh, that's it.  Cough syrup.

My only conclusion is that the Pinot Noir of 2010 was so uninspiring that it was necessary to add ample sugar to distract the taster.  Not unlike your favorite Nyquil vintage.

On the other hand, Redwood Creek's Pinot Noir at least conforms with a certain consistency I have come to expect from the California-reds section of my local liquor store.  And to be fair, there is certainly room in any market for a low-end product.  However, if you're looking for the next step up from this Pinot Noir, I might recommend Franzia boxed wine.